a successful foray into The Nature™


How to Build your own Fairy Garden in Many Easy(ish) Steps:

INGREDIENTS:

  1. assemble plants. Get ones with pretty colors and interesting leaf shapes. Don’t bother reading the tag– whether or not they can withstand full sunlight or like lots of water is unimportant. You’ll figure that out yourself in a few months when they die. THERE IS NO ROOM IN YOUR PLANT KINGDOM FOR THE WEAK. ONLY THE STRONG WILL SURVIVE
  2. meander around the huge garden warehouse. Make sure to keep your elbows out as far as possible to keep everyone out of your space.
  3. spend 77 dollars on all the plants. Cry a little inside at how expensive plants are.
  4. Take the plants home!! You can vacuum the dirt out of your car later.

YOU WILL NEED:

  1. gardening gloves! Venture out into the dark and scary garage to get them. Bonus Points™ if you find a matching pair.
  2. a trowel, or a gardening spade. (These are fancy words for a small shovel.)
  3. fertilizer! Crap, you forgot it in the scary garage. Trek back out to get it.
  4. dirt. This is relatively easy to come by, but if you’re picky you can pick up Dirt™ at your local Gardening Center©®™.

TIME TO BEGIN.

  1. figure out where you want all the plants to go. Consider height and color while arranging your plants.
  2. dig a small hole with the trowel. Watch as the dirt falls back into place. Give up and use your hands. The dirt still falls. Remember the that in the end everything is pointless and life has no meaning, so really it doesn’t have to be perfect.
  3. struggle to take the plant out of it’s little plastic pallet– try not to crush the roots!
  4. brush the dead spider away from your knees. Scoot forward so you can put the– IT WASN’T DEAD ABORT ABORT ABORT
  5. sprinkle some fertilizer in the little pit. Swirl it around a little in the dirt, because you remember your grandma saying something about plants not liking fertilizer touching it’s roots directly.
  6. hear a buzzing sound. Is that a bee? It had better not– IT’S A BEE IT’S A BEE IT’S A BEE IT’S A BEE IT’S A BEE IT’S A BEE IT’S A–
  7. put the plant in the hole!!
  8. cover the top of it with dirt. IMPORTANT: Do not cover the ENTIRE plant with dirt. Cover the roots only; (they’re the wiggly white things) up the the stem. (usually green, but can vary– usually where the roots end and the pretty part begins.)

CONGRATULATIONS!

You have Successfully™ Planted™ a Plant™©®.

Now repeat those steps as necessary.

The result is: your Very Own Built it Yourself Fairy Garden!!©®™

Now comes the fun part.

ARRANGING YOUR FAIRY FURNITURE:

  1. remember fairies have delicate feet. They will need stepping stones.
  2. seating! For little tea parties! Don’t expect to be invited. Fairies are rude.

You did it!!!!!!!!

 

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