Soft-Serve Philosophy


Chocolate is for dog lovers. People who can hike, people who enjoy typing ‘01134’ into their calculator and giggling because it spells ‘hello’ upside-down. Yes, chocolate is a sure sign of someone who puts “fun-loving guy” on their online dating profile. Chocolate people know how hard it is to sit at a new lunch table. They’re the ones that wave you over to their spot, so you don’t feel lonely. Chocolate lovers get that a movie without popcorn is an abomination.

Vanilla is for simple people. People who have beige kitchen walls with vinyl quotes can have vanilla. People down for dancing in the rain, people who took up recorder for four months in fourth grade like vanilla. Vanilla is for purists, people who understand that you simply can’t have cake without frosting. You can count on Vanillas to always remember their locker combination, and has at least one overdue library book. Anyone who likes vanilla is good on a roller coaster. And will always pay half for the snowcone you split at the amusement park.

Chocolate-vanilla swirl is anarchy. Nobody needs both chocolate and vanilla in the same bite. Society has rules for a reason. Pick a side. Geez.

Nobody buys Neapolitan. It just shows up. Neapolitan is what happens when you reach in the freezer at Costco without looking and pull out the first thing you get. Perhaps if Napoleon Bonaparte hopped out of the glass doors from the cold storage rooms, people would be more inclined to keep it. But as it is, Neapolitan is just the last thing that gets thrown out with the red plastic table cloth at parties. And then there’s always that one kid who scrapes out all the strawberry ice-cream and leaves the rest, leaving everyone else to wonder: “Was that really necessary?”

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4 thoughts on “Soft-Serve Philosophy

  1. I am vanilla all the way! (Unless there is carmel, or even better both!) And I usually wrote down my locker combo so I always had it. And I don’t have an overdue book. Today. 😉

    But I do have to say that on occasion I have bought the dreaded Neapolitan. On purpose even! But only because I tell the girls we are only getting ONE ice cream, and half want chocolate and half want strawberry, and I’m left going “What about vanilla?!” So we get the Neapolitan, and scoop it out as if it is 3 different ice creams, and then end up throwing some away because no one want the eat the parts where the flavors touch each other.

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    1. Haha! Yeah, whenever the flavors touch, it’s like contamination and even if I like both flavors I don’t eat it. It seems like Neapolitan actually does have good use! I’m glad it helps you and your girls get your favorite flavors. In my fridge we always have the Hershey’s chocolate squeeze bottle of caramel. Good stuff.

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